Why You and Your Partner May Grieve Pregnancy Loss Differently
One of the loneliest parts of pregnancy loss can be realizing that the person you love is not grieving the way you are.
Maybe you need to talk about what happened and your partner gets quiet. Maybe you are thinking about the due date, the ultrasound, or where you thought your family would be by now, while your partner seems able to go to work and move through the day almost normally.
When grief looks that different, it can be easy to start assigning meaning to the difference. Do they care as much as I do? Are they already moving on? Am I the only one still carrying this?
Those questions can add another layer of pain to an already painful experience.
The reality is that two people can love the same baby, lose the same future, and still grieve very differently. Different grief does not necessarily mean less grief.
The Same Loss Is Not Necessarily the Same Experience
If you were the person who was pregnant, there are aspects of the loss your partner could not experience in exactly the same way. Your body changed. You may have experienced symptoms, medical appointments, physical pain, bleeding, procedures, or hormonal changes. You may have been constantly aware of the pregnancy in a way that was physically impossible to escape.
There is also the future you had already started imagining. Maybe you knew the due date by heart. Maybe you had thought about names, maternity leave, how old your other children would be, or what the holidays might look like with a new baby. Pregnancy can make a future feel real very quickly.
The partner who was not pregnant may be grieving that future too, but their experience may look very different. They may be grieving the baby, the possibility of becoming a parent or becoming a parent again, or a version of family life they had already begun imagining. They may also be frightened for the person they love and focused on trying to support them.
Research on male partners following pregnancy loss has repeatedly identified this pattern. Men often describe feeling pressure to be the supporter or “strong one,” while their own grief receives less recognition (Due et al., 2017; Obst et al., 2020). Much of this research has involved heterosexual couples and male partners, so we should not assume every couple experiences loss in the same way. But the pattern raises an important question for any relationship: has one person become “the grieving person” while the other has quietly become “the support person”?
Both may be hurting.
The Risk of Interpreting Difference as Indifference
One of the hardest things about grieving differently is how easily we can misunderstand one another.
If your partner returns to work quickly, you may wonder how they can simply go back to normal. For them, work may be the only part of the day when their mind gets a break from the loss.
If you need to talk repeatedly about what happened, your partner may become quiet. You may interpret that silence as avoidance or lack of caring. They may be thinking that they have no idea what to say without making your pain worse.
One person may want to tell friends and family what happened, while the other wants privacy. One may want to keep ultrasound pictures nearby, while the other cannot look at them yet. One may cry openly, while the other becomes practical and starts managing whatever needs to be done.
None of those behaviors tells us how much someone loved or wanted the baby.
But grief can make us vulnerable to turning differences into conclusions. If you cared, you would want to talk about this. If you understood how painful this is, you would give me space. If you were hurting as much as I am, you would not be acting normal.
Research with couples experiencing recurrent miscarriage found that partners valued open, empathetic communication while also wanting their different ways of grieving to be accepted (Jansen et al., 2022).
Sometimes staying connected begins by asking a different question.
Not Why aren't you grieving the way I am?
But What has this been like for you?
The Support Person May Need Support Too
Pregnancy loss understandably places a great deal of attention on the person whose body experienced the pregnancy. Physical recovery, medical care, hormonal changes, and the embodied nature of pregnancy all matter.
At the same time, the other partner can become almost invisible.
They may be communicating with family members, managing practical tasks, caring for other children, handling appointments, and trying to support their partner while having very little space to acknowledge their own feelings.
Systematic reviews of men's experiences after pregnancy and neonatal loss have found that this supportive role can leave partners feeling that their own grief is less socially recognized (Due et al., 2017; Obst et al., 2020).
That does not make the two experiences identical.
It simply means there may be room for two questions:
How is the person who experienced the pregnancy doing?
And:
How is the person beside them doing?
Grief Can Show Up in Physical Intimacy
Pregnancy loss can also affect physical closeness in ways couples may not expect.
Sex may suddenly feel connected to conception, pregnancy, medical procedures, fear, or the possibility of becoming pregnant again. Someone may crave physical closeness while having no desire for sex. Another person may want sex because they miss feeling connected to their partner. One may be ready to reconnect physically while the other is not.
A 2025 longitudinal couples study found that when either partner experienced higher-than-usual perinatal grief, both partners tended to report poorer sexual well-being, including lower desire and satisfaction and greater sexual distress (Allsop et al., 2025).
That does not mean every couple will struggle sexually after pregnancy loss.
It does mean that changes in physical intimacy may be part of grief rather than evidence that the relationship itself is failing.
You May Not Be Ready to Try Again at the Same Time
For many couples, another difficult difference emerges when they begin discussing whether to try for another pregnancy.
One person may feel ready quickly. Trying again may feel hopeful or like a way to move forward after an experience that felt completely outside their control.
The other person may feel terrified. They may worry about another loss, about allowing themselves to hope again, or about whether they could withstand going through the same experience another time.
Neither response is wrong.
And a subsequent pregnancy does not necessarily erase the grief of the pregnancy that was lost. Research with pregnant women following previous perinatal loss found that grief during a later pregnancy was associated with pregnancy-specific anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress symptoms, and poorer perceived relationship quality (Hutti et al., 2015).
It is possible to feel hopeful about another pregnancy while still grieving the one that came before it. Gratitude and fear can coexist.
Grieving Differently Does Not Mean You Are Losing Each Other
Pregnancy loss does not inevitably damage a relationship.
In a study following women for a year after miscarriage, some women described feeling closer to their partners, others felt their relationships were largely unchanged, and some reported feeling more distant (Swanson et al., 2003). Because that research reflected women's perceptions rather than both partners' reports, we should be careful about drawing conclusions about the couple as a whole. What it does remind us is that there is no single relationship outcome after miscarriage.
Some couples turn toward one another.
Some have difficulty understanding each other for a while.
Many probably do some of both.
Grieving differently does not automatically mean you are losing your relationship too.
Get Curious Before You Decide What Their Grief Means
You do not have to grieve in exactly the same way to stay connected.
What may matter more is whether each of you has room to experience the loss without your differences becoming evidence against one another.
You might ask:
What has been the hardest part of this for you?
Do you want to talk about it today, or would you rather not?
What do you need from me right now?
Is there something you are carrying that I have not seen?
Is there something you have been afraid to tell me because you think I will not understand?
These questions are not designed to make your partner grieve like you.
They are invitations to understand the grief that is already there.
Where to Find Support After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
You also do not have to rely entirely on one another for support.
Postpartum Support International offers free virtual support groups for pregnancy and infant loss, including miscarriage, early pregnancy loss, pregnancy after loss, and parenting after loss.
Pregnancy After Loss Support offers community and resources for people trying to conceive again or navigating pregnancy after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association provides peer-led support for people navigating infertility and family building and may be especially helpful when loss is happening alongside fertility treatment or IVF.
The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is also available 24/7 in the United States. Call or text 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262) for free, confidential support.
You do not need to be in crisis to reach out.
Before You Go
If you and your partner are grieving differently, I want to leave you with one question:
What does grief look like in the person beside you?
Not what you think it should look like. Not what it would look like if they were grieving the way you are.
What does it actually look like?
Maybe they talk. Maybe they get quiet. Maybe they want closeness. Maybe they need space. Maybe they look okay and are not okay at all.
Different does not mean less.
And grieving differently does not automatically mean you are losing each other too.
Watch my companion video for this article, Why You and Your Partner May Grieve Pregnancy Loss Differently.
And if what you are struggling with most is feeling alone in your relationship after miscarriage, you may also want to watch my earlier video, Feeling Alone in Your Miscarriage Loss? Your Relationship Doesn't Have to Suffer.
References
Allsop, D. B., Nesbitt-Daly, K., Péloquin, K., Cockwell, H., & Rosen, N. O. (2025). Longitudinal links between perinatal grief and sexual well-being for couples after pregnancy loss. Journal of Family Psychology, 39(5), 627–638. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0001357
Due, C., Chiarolli, S., & Riggs, D. W. (2017). The impact of pregnancy loss on men’s health and wellbeing: A systematic review. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 17, 380. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12884-017-1560-9
Hutti, M. H., Armstrong, D. S., Myers, J. A., & Hall, L. A. (2015). Grief intensity, psychological well-being, and the intimate partner relationship in the subsequent pregnancy after a perinatal loss. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing, 44(1), 42–50. https://doi.org/10.1111/1552-6909.12539
Jansen, C., Kuhlmann, E., Scharli, P., Schick, M., Ditzen, B., Langer, L., Strowitzki, T., Kuon, R.-J., & Wischmann, T. (2022). “A sorrow shared …”: A qualitative content analysis of what couples with recurrent miscarriages expect from one another and their families and friends. Human Reproduction Open, 2022(3), hoac032. https://doi.org/10.1093/hropen/hoac032
Obst, K. L., Due, C., Oxlad, M., & Middleton, P. (2020). Men’s grief following pregnancy loss and neonatal loss: A systematic review and emerging theoretical model. BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth, 20, 11. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12884-019-2677-9
Swanson, K. M., Karmali, Z. A., Powell, S. H., & Pulvermakher, F. (2003). Miscarriage effects on couples’ interpersonal and sexual relationships during the first year after loss: Women’s perceptions. Psychosomatic Medicine, 65(5), 902–910. https://doi.org/10.1097/01.PSY.0000079381.58810.84
About Catherine O’Brien
Catherine O’Brien is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sacramento, California, and the founder of Happy With Baby. For more than 20 years, she has helped moms and couples navigate overwhelm, grief, disconnection, anxiety, and the relationship changes that can come with parenthood. HappyWithBaby.com |Book an Appointment