How do you feel about mom groups on Facebook?

I’ve been asking around about how other moms feel about mom groups on Facebook and other social media and the funny thing is, I’m met with groans every time. I’m not surprised, really. More just disappointed for moms everywhere.

I guess we probably should have predicted this. Road rage has been a problem for probably decades. Social media trolling, though relatively newer, comes out of a similar mentality.

The root cause is our ability to “thingify” a human being. The person we’re engaging with is no longer a person in our minds, but an object. Social media allows us to amplify ourselves, sometimes at the expense of someone else.

Add the “Mommy Wars” into the mix and you have a recipe for disaster. Mom groups on Facebook could be the perfect storm.

As if the Mommy Wars alone weren’t bad enough.

And yet, I see the appeal. Every mom has questions. Every mom needs support. Every mom needs connection. And every mom has a smartphone.

Every mom needs to hang out an extra 5 (or 15?) minutes in the bathroom just to get a break and maybe check their newsfeed. We just need a quick something to make us laugh and feel less isolated.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the #walkup movement too lately. If you’ve been on Facebook in the last month, you’ve likely seen posts encouraging kids to “walk up to the lonely, bullied kid at school” to say hello, to be kind to them. This, instead of walking out in support of gun control. As if it’s an either/or.

Now, I’m not going to make a case for or against gun control here. That’s a whole other conversation. And my intent isn’t to discuss whether being nice to the lonely kid will prevent mass murder or whether it’s victim-blaming.

What interests me with the whole #walkup trend is that we want to teach our kids to be nice. WE need to be nice first. It starts with us. We can’t tell our kids one thing and then do another. That often doesn’t work out in our favor.

Bullying and cruelty happen online among adults all the time. And those hurts are just as real as the ones that happen out in the world. The point is, we don’t know what someone else is going through. And when it comes to parenthood, we’re all fighting our own battles and trying to do the best we can in what can often be one of the loneliest experiences we’ll ever know.

So, for all the good and bad that online mom groups offer, how to we navigate them to get the support we’re looking for?

Here are my suggestions...

Before you get too involved, do these things first:

Think about what matters most to you in a support group. Are you looking for local moms to meet up with? Runner moms? Breastfeeding support? Support for interracial families or for those who are finally having their Rainbow Baby?
Spend some time just being a quiet observer of the group. Maybe even try the search feature to check out some different topics. What types of questions are people posting? How do people respond? Does it feel like a place you’d want to hang out? It’s good to get a sense of what the group is like and what you’re in for before you ever make a first post.
Know who are the admins/moderators are. How active or involved in the group are they? Managing a large group well takes a LOT of time and effort and often that labor is unpaid. So, do give admins the benefit of the doubt, but also make a mental note when a group frequently has commenters saying, “Where are the admins? Why aren’t they stepping in here?” The groups without good management will become obvious pretty quickly.

Why we need our child-free friends:

They remind us of who we are
They know how to have fun
They keep us connected to social circles, community, the world
They yank us out of our bubbles. They give us plenty of other things to think and talk about besides babies.
They knew us back when…. And are powerful witnesses to how much we’ve grown and evolved.

Why our child-free friends need us:

We keep things in perspective and don’t sweat the small stuff
We provide them opportunities to get their “baby fix” without having one of their own
We can be pretty fun too.
We yank them out of their bubbles and remind them to keep things in perspective.

These maybe seem obvious, but I think they’re worth reminding ourselves.

Because moms get lonely! And I think it’s good for us moms to remember that though having mom friends is important, support can come in a variety of ways.

And I think for some friends who remain child-free, sometimes the assumption is that they’ve lost their friend to motherhood for good, but it just isn’t true. Or, it doesn’t need to be.

Yes, some things have to change. Maybe we moms can’t chat for very long on the phone before we’re interrupted with naptime ending, or we can’t stay out as late as we used to. Maybe we’re consumed with how hard breastfeeding is at times or struggle to think of other things to talk about because we just haven’t gotten out of the house or spoken to another human being for 3 weeks. The point is, these issues are either temporary or work-around-able.

I think the biggest problem in friendships like these really just boils down to misunderstanding. I had a conversation recently with another therapist friend of mine (who happens to be child-free herself) about relationship strain between moms and their child-free friends and I was really struck by how much the child-free perspective sounded similar to the way I hear many new dads talk about relationship strain with their partners: They feel left out of the equation.

The good news is that this situation can be dramatically improved with just a little communication.

What You Can Do:

Give her the benefit of the doubt. If your friend hasn’t reached out to you or hasn’t come over to meet the new baby yet, it’s probably not because she doesn’t care about you. Maybe she’s afraid of bugging you. Maybe she loves kids, but feels uncomfortable or nervous around babies. Maybe she’s in the middle of a personal storm or family emergency of her own (if you haven’t talked to her for a while, you never know). Or it could even be that she’s trying to get pregnant herself and is struggling to conceive. Or, it very well could be something as simple as her wondering why you haven’t invited her over.
Try meeting her part of the way. Now, I’m the last person to want to pile on more expectations onto any mom’s plate. But, can you shoot her a quick text to see how she’s doing? Or tag her in a funny post on social media that you know she’d enjoy? (Don’t pretend you don’t have time to mindlessly scroll your feed!) If you initiate contact, she just might surprise you.
Remind her (and yourself) that you’re still you. Motherhood is transformational. There’s no doubt about that. But who you are at your core...that’s still there. Can you tap into that and connect with her on that level? It could be as simple as texting an inside joke that you two share or telling her that you miss joining in on an activity you used to enjoy together.
Ask about her life. Sometimes having something else to think about besides feedings, diapers, cholic, and our postpartum bodies can be a welcome break from our new normal.

What to Ask of Your Friend:

Ask her how she’d like to participate. If she’s uncomfortable around babies, she might not be the friend you can call to come rock the baby so you can take a shower. But, maybe she’ll meet you for coffee while you’re working on getting more comfortable bringing your baby out in public? If she’s worried she’ll be in the way, maybe you can give her a task to help with, like bringing Chinese take-out for dinner or loading the dishwasher after you both eat together. Maybe she’s not able to come visit for a while, but you two make a pact to text each other weekly just to check in.
Tell her what you need. For most moms, this means asking for a bit more understanding or flexibility. Because sometimes you have to flake at the last minute or because it might be too hard to focus on what she’s saying in conversation. Or, maybe you’re just struggling to come up with anything to talk about that doesn’t involve nipples or poopy diapers or your lack of sleep. If you need her to come to you because leaving the house is just too hard, say so. If you can’t promise her a whole hour to chat on the phone, but you can give her 15 minutes while baby naps, tell her. If you definitely do want to meet her for dinner, but a 7:30 meetup time just isn’t going to work for baby’s nap schedule, tell her you can do 5:45 instead. The key point here is to tell her that you still value your time with her, but you just have to modify expectations a little bit.

One of the best stories I’ve heard about child-free friends really getting this point about modifying expectations involved a child-free couple deciding that they still wanted their best friends (and new parents) in their lives, so they decided that if their friends couldn’t come “join the party”, they’d bring the party to them. So, they picked up some sushi and beverages and went over to their friends’ place at a time when they knew baby would be in bed for the night. They understood that they’d have to sit through some of the usual “life with baby” talk for a bit, and though that wasn’t their favorite topic, they trusted that their usual old banter would start back up shortly after and it would be like nobody had skipped a beat. And, really, isn’t that what true friendships are all about?

But if you’re really feeling a strain on a friendship you care about with someone who is not a parent, a simple “I miss you” text or phone call to say that you know you’ve been sort of “MIA” lately, but that you still want her in your life can go a long way. Why not give it a shot?

Sometimes support and connection can come in the most surprising ways.

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When You’re a Mom & She Isn’t