By Catherine O’Brien, LMFT | Happy With Baby
Maybe you haven’t even packed for the holiday visit, and you’re already having the same argument you had last year.
How long are we staying? Why did you tell your parents we could come over without asking me? What happens if someone makes another comment about how we’re raising the kids?
You want to enjoy time with family. You also want to know your partner will listen when something feels uncomfortable.
That can get complicated when the people you’re talking about are their parents.
You may hear criticism where your partner hears a familiar opinion. They may think changing the subject is helpful, while you’re sitting there wondering why they didn’t say anything.
You don’t have to agree about every interaction. But you do need a way to talk about it without ending up feeling even further apart.
When the comment becomes an argument between you
Maybe this sounds familiar.
Someone comments on what your child is eating, and you look over at your partner, hoping they’ll say something. They keep eating.
Later, you bring it up.
“I didn’t think it was a big deal,” they say.
And now you’re trying to explain why the comment hurt and why their silence hurt, too.
Your partner may be confused. They grew up hearing comments like that. They barely notice them anymore. But for you, it may feel like one more moment when your parenting is being questioned and you’re left to handle it yourself.
Feeling understood and cared for matters in a relationship. Researchers call this partner responsiveness, and it plays an important role in closeness between partners (Arican-Dinc & Gable, 2023).
In a moment like this, you might simply need to hear, “I can see why that bothered you. Tell me what you needed from me.”
Talk before you’re in the middle of it
Try to have this conversation before you’re tired, loading the car, or standing in someone else’s kitchen.
Be specific about what has been hard and what might help.
“When someone questions our parenting in front of the kids, I feel put on the spot. Can we talk about how we want to respond?”
Or:
“I know you want time with your parents. I do, too. But I need us to check with each other before adding more plans.”
If your partner is bringing up a concern about your family, give yourself a moment before responding. You may feel protective of your parents or worried that you’re being asked to choose sides.
Start by asking, “What would have helped you in that moment?”
The answer might be smaller and more manageable than you expected. A brief response. Taking over with the kids. Checking in afterward. You won’t know until you ask.
Listen before explaining what your parent meant
“They’re just trying to help.”
“That’s how my dad talks.”
“You’re taking it the wrong way.”
You may be trying to offer reassurance. But your partner may hear that their feelings are the problem.
Before you explain the intention, listen to the experience.
You can say:
“I heard it differently, but I can understand why that felt critical.”
Or:
“I thought changing the subject would help. I didn’t realize you were waiting for me to say something.”
There’s room to talk about what your parent may have meant. First, give your partner a chance to feel heard.
And if you’re the one bringing up the hurt, try to stay with what happened.
“When you laughed along, I felt embarrassed and alone” gives your partner more to work with than, “You always choose your family.”
What if it happens when your partner isn’t in the room?
This can be especially painful.
Your partner steps outside, and their parent makes a comment. Later, you explain what happened and hear, “My mom would never say that.”
Now you feel like you have to prove something happened before you can talk about how it affected you.
If your partner tells you about a hurtful interaction you didn’t witness, get curious before getting defensive.
“I wasn’t there. Tell me what happened.”
“I can understand why that hurt. What would feel helpful now?”
You can ask questions and take their concern seriously at the same time. You don’t have to personally hear every comment before offering support.
Then talk about what happens next. Would your partner like you to address it privately with your parent? Would it help to stay nearby during the next visit? Would different visiting arrangements make things more comfortable?
Ask before stepping in. Your partner may want your support without wanting a confrontation in the middle of dinner.
And if the comments repeatedly happen when you’re away, pay attention to that pattern. Your partner shouldn’t have to keep facing the same situation alone.
Get specific about how you’ll support each other
“We need to be on the same team” sounds good. But what does that look like on Thanksgiving afternoon when the kids are tired and someone wants you to stay longer?
Research has found that couples who cope with stress in more supportive, collaborative ways tend to report greater relationship satisfaction (Falconier et al., 2015).
For your holiday plans, that gives you a useful place to start: What can we handle together?
Before the visit, talk through:
How long you’ll stay and where you’ll sleep.
Which plans you need to discuss before either person says yes.
Who will handle packing, meals, bedtime, and breaks with the kids.
What you’ll say if someone questions a decision you’ve made together.
How you’ll check in privately if something feels uncomfortable.
Your response to a relative can be brief: “We’re comfortable with how we’re handling bedtime,” or, “We’ve decided we’re heading home after dinner.”
Make sure you both have a say in the plan. If one of you is agreeing just to end the conversation, there may be more you need to work through.
Come back to each other when you miss the moment
Even with a plan, you may get defensive. You may freeze when a comment happens or say something more sharply than you intended.
What happens afterward deserves attention, too. A study of young adult couples found that having a partner who recovered better after conflict was associated with more positive relationship emotions and satisfaction (Salvatore et al., 2011).
Give yourselves a chance to come back and try again.
“I got defensive when you told me what happened. I wish I’d listened before jumping in to defend my parent.”
Or:
“I was upset, and I said something unfair about your family. I still need us to talk about what happened.”
Taking responsibility for your part can help you return to the concern with a little more care.
If you need time to settle down, say when you’ll come back to it: “Let’s take a break and talk again after the kids are asleep.”
One conversation to have before your next visit
Ask each other:
“What would help you feel supported by me while we’re there?”
Then give each other time to answer.
Maybe you need your partner to speak up. Maybe they need you to understand why visiting their parents matters so much. Maybe you both need a shorter visit and a little less packed into the day.
After more than 20 years as a marriage and family therapist, I know these conversations can bring up a lot. You’re talking about people you love, years of history, and the family life you’re building now.
Start with listening. Make a plan you both have a voice in. Keep coming back to each other.
How are you doing in all of this?
If you’ve been busy thinking about what everyone else needs, take a little time to check in with yourself. You can find my How Are You Really? quiz here.
And for more on what you want this season to feel like for your family, watch my video, Holiday Peace Isn’t About Perfection, It’s About This.
References
Arican-Dinc, B., & Gable, S. L. (2023). Responsiveness in romantic partners’ interactions. Current Opinion in Psychology, 53, Article 101652. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2023.101652
Falconier, M. K., Jackson, J. B., Hilpert, P., & Bodenmann, G. (2015). Dyadic coping and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 42, 28–46. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2015.07.002
Salvatore, J. E., Kuo, S. I.-C., Steele, R. D., Simpson, J. A., & Collins, W. A. (2011). Recovering from conflict in romantic relationships: A developmental perspective. Psychological Science, 22(3), 376–383. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610397055
About Catherine O’Brien
Catherine O’Brien is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Happy With Baby. She helps individuals and couples navigate parenthood, feel more connected, and work through the challenges that come with family life. HappyWithBaby.com | Book an Appointment