How To Grow Closer To Your Spouse After Having a Baby

Bringing a new baby home is one of the most transformative experiences in life. It is filled with tiny socks, soft coos, and a love so big it feels like your heart might burst. But it is also filled with sleepless nights, endless laundry, and a level of exhaustion you never knew existed, and that’s okay. In the whirlwind of feeding schedules, diaper changes, doctor appointments, and trying to remember if you brushed your teeth today, your relationship with your partner can sometimes come secondary.

You might look across the room at the person you used to stay up all night talking to and realize you have only discussed diapers and grocery lists for the last week. That is completely normal. The newborn stage is difficult for even the closest of couples. However, you likely want to find your way back to each other. 

We are here to help. Below, we have compiled a list of practical, accessible ways grow closer to your spouse after having a baby.

Love Your Partner in the Small Ways

When you are running on three hours of sleep, the idea of a whole romantic evening out might feel laughable. Fortunately, you don’t need to have date night every weekend to feel close. You can still kindle romance in your relationship with small, intentional acts of connection.

Just find ways to remind your partner that you see them and love them. It could be a lingering hug before breakfast, an I-love-you text during the day, or a squeeze of the hand while you are both on the couch.

When it comes to showing love and affection, it’s also normal to struggle greatly with these emotions. Post-partum hormones, adjusting to your post-partum body, changes in sleep, and other factors can all make your relationship with your partner feel disconnected at times. 

If you’re feeling this distance, first know that your emotions are normal and valid. Receiving informed therapy, communicating with your partner, and actively finding small ways to show commitment to each other will be so important during this time.  

Communicate Your Needs Clearly (and Kindly)

It was true before the baby, and it’s true now: Your spouse cannot read your mind. If you don’t communicate your needs, you can’t expect your spouse to fulfill them. And the disappointment you might feel from this when you’re already exhausted will be compounded. So try your best to not let it happen.

Instead of hoping they notice the overflowing sink or your desperate need for a nap, say it out loud. But also remember to be kind. Tell your partner what you need, but avoid criticizing how they help or making them feel guilty for making you ask. 

Remember that you are partners, not adversaries, and you are both figuring this out as you go.

Set Aside Time When You Won’t Talk About the Baby

It is so easy for the baby to become the sun around which your entire universe orbits. While that is natural, you were a couple before you were parents, and that couple still exists. So try to carve out a specific time—maybe 15 minutes after the baby goes down or during dinner—where you talk about anything except the baby. We mean it!

Discuss a show you are watching, a weird dream you had, office gossip, or future dreams that have nothing to do with parenting strategies. This helps you remember the person you fell in love with.

Take on Your Fair Share of the Nighttime Care

Nighttime care is one of the hardest adjustments to take on as new parents. Experiencing friction or frustration with your partner when figuring out a balance of roles for nighttime care is normal and universal. However, caring for your newborn at night is also a chance to strengthen the teamwork between you and your partner. 

Consider sitting down with your partner and communicating what parts of nighttime care are the most challenging so you can find a solution that works for both of you as a unit.

 For example, if you are bottle-feeding, you can alternate wakeups or split the night into shifts. Knowing you are in the trenches together will reinforce the sense of being on the same team. Plus, it’s undeniable that reliably getting slightly longer stretches of sleep makes everyone feel more grounded the next day.

Plan Future All-Day Dates

Okay, this one requires a bit more planning, but planning future all-day dates for you and your partner later in parenthood can be a simple, fun, and hopeful activity to share. After the newborn stage, once you feel ready to leave your child for a longer stretch of time, plan an all-day date that reminds you of your pre-baby life. Step away from the routine and do something that is really fun or adventurous for both of you.

Yes, it requires waiting, but it’s also a way to create events that are something you and your partner can look forward to. Think of it as a milestone celebration you’re planning for, whether it’s a big or small date. 

Are you active outdoorsy people? Go on a hike to your favorite natural area. Are you less active outdoorsy people? Go fishing and head to hidden coves to catch more fish while enjoying quiet seclusion together. Are you academics? Visit your town’s museums, and maybe plan a scavenger hunt in the exhibits while you’re at it. Are you travelers? You might not have time for a flight, but you can certainly drive two hours to that cute small town with the yummy cafe.

Whatever you do, just do it. Planning a few all-day, baby-free dates will recharge your batteries and give you fresh energy to bring back to your parenting.

Show Appreciation for the Small, Expected Things

In the haze of new parenthood, feeling unseen for the million chores you both do each day is a quick way to disconnect. Make a conscious effort to thank your partner for all they do, even the expected stuff. Validation makes people feel valued, which is an especially important feeling for your spouse to have.

Rediscover Intimacy Beyond the Bedroom

Physical intimacy can be a tricky subject after birth. Bodies are healing, hormones are fluctuating, and exhaustion is rampant. If sex isn’t on the table yet (or you just aren’t feeling it), that doesn’t mean physical connection has to stop.

Cuddling on the couch, holding hands while walking the stroller, giving a back rub, or just resting your head on their shoulder are all ways to connect. These acts of non-sexual touch still release oxytocin, the bonding hormone, helping you feel safe and loved. And by keeping the physical connection alive without the pressure of performance, you maintain a bridge back to a sexual relationship whenever you are both ready.

Keep Going

During the postpartum period, you are learning who you can become as parents, as individuals, and as a couple. It is messy and exhausting, but it is also incredibly rich with love. Remember to be patient with yourselves and each other. If you do so, you can grow closer to your spouse after having a baby, and you might just find that your love is deeper and stronger than it ever was before.

Catherine O’Brien is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Sacramento, California, specializing in helping couples navigate conflict, rebuild connection, and strengthen emotional safety in long-term relationships. HappyWithBaby.com| Book An Appointment