Do Less, Connect More: How Couples Can Share the Holiday Load Without the Resentment

The holidays are meant to bring joy and connection—but for many couples, they quietly turn into a season of stress, resentment, and emotional burnout.

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking:

“Why am I the only one who’s planning gifts, organizing dinners, and booking the photographer?”

You’re not alone. And you’re not unreasonable.

As a couples therapist working with married parents in Sacramento, I see this every year: one partner takes on the mental and emotional weight of the holidays while the other floats through, unsure why things feel tense.

This post—and the video below—will walk you through five clear steps to help divide the holiday load, reduce conflict, and feel more like a team again.

Watch: 

Holiday Mental Load: Sharing Responsibilities Without Resentment

Step 1: Name the Invisible Work

It’s not just the presents or the dinner—it’s all the mental labor behind it.

Things like:

• Remembering gift sizes
  
  
• Tracking RSVP dates
  
  
• Scheduling the holiday card photo shoot
  
  
• Planning allergy-safe meals for extended family
  
  

Make a list of everything that needs to happen this season. Get it out of your head and onto paper where both of you can see it.

Step 2: Choose Ownership Over “Helping”

This is one of the most powerful shifts I teach in therapy:

❌ “Let me know how I can help.”

✅ “I’ll take full responsibility for holiday gifts for your side of the family.”

When each partner fully owns certain categories (from idea to execution), resentment drops and trust increases. No more micromanaging. No more last-minute reminders.

Step 3: Fair Isn’t Always Equal

Trying to split the holiday work 50/50 might sound good—but it often leads to stress and scorekeeping.

Instead, ask:

• What’s each person capable of right now?
  
  
• Who has more bandwidth this month?
  
  
• Can one partner take more now and shift the balance later?
  
  

Fairness is about flexibility, not perfection.

Step 4: Assume Good Intent

In therapy, I often hear:

“They just don’t care.”

But more often, I find:

“They didn’t realize how important this was to you.”

Start the conversation by sharing what the holiday workload feels like for you—not what your partner is doing “wrong.” That emotional honesty is what opens the door to connection.

Step 5: Schedule Your Team Talk

Don’t try to squeeze this into the drive to Costco. Make space for it. Pour coffee (or wine). Sit down together with your list.

This is your Holiday Team Meeting—your moment to align, divide tasks fairly, and take care of each other before the chaos hits.

Want Help Having That Conversation?

If this dynamic is familiar—and you want support sorting through the resentment and rebuilding your connection—I’d love to help.

Book a free strategy call with me here: [Insert Booking Link]

Based in Sacramento, working with couples virtually across California

Let’s make this the year the holidays bring you closer—instead of pulling you apart.

Catherine O’Brien is a couples therapist in Sacramento, CA who helps parents reconnect, communicate, and thrive—even during the busiest seasons of life. HappyWithBaby.com| Book An Appointment